When I venture into public these days, I do a lot of people watching. In particular, I pay a lot of attention to people’s legs. Not in a weird way – in an observational, CSEC Biology kind of way. I observe and mutter notes to myself, like:
“On average, how old are the people who are speeding past me on this crosswalk? She looks 67. They look 35-ish. She looks my age. Oh, this one is a toddler. Oh gosh, the light is about to change. Watch it eno miss, do not lick mi down.”
Despite my obvious limitations like spasticity and needing my cane for support, I get in my head a lot about how long it takes me to move around compared to others. In those moments, I’ve failed to consider my lack of background information about these people – where they’re going, why they’re going there, what they’re doing there, and how they even made the trip in the first place.
After my diagnosis, I realized I was using the same blind approach when measuring my achievements to others. These background factors – the where/why/what/how, etc. – have more influence on the timeline of our lives than anything we could ever plan.
why we’re so hard on ourselves
We measure life in milestones. Throughout history, we see humans celebrating anniversaries, victories, births and deaths. To manage life’s unpredictability, we set big goals, achieve them, and then set even bigger ones.
These constants provide us with routine which, even to the most laissez-faire of us, provides peace of mind. Influenced by the portrayals of success we see in our peers, families and media, our goals become personal to our daily choices and overall identity.
Subconsciously (perhaps consciously for folks who have read The 48 Laws of Power and similar tales), we aspire for accomplishing goals in a specific order – similarly to the structure of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory.
why this matters
In the Western world, many of us aspire towards a pre-ordained, individualistic structure for life after high school. It might be something super ambitious, along the lines of: bachelor’s at 22, master’s by 24, full financial independence by 28. (For me, it was driver’s license by 21, film school by 23, and LA apartment by 24. None of these have happened, but I got a driving school simulator game for my Nintendo Switch to activate the mindset.)
Our society says, “If you go by the book and follow the right steps, you’ll be good to go – a success story! Yes, you will be a guest on Sim Soul Sessions. In 10 years, Wayne Chen will be drafting a birthday collage with all your achievements. Your mother will post you on her WhatsApp status every other day, because you’ve achieved The Dream™️.”
So how it go when The Dream nuh work out? Who’s to blame? (Spoiler: it’s not necessarily you this time.)
You may just be following a rulebook that doesn’t account for the full breadth of who you are.
a social mismatch
Like Maslow, the people who dictate our social values and timelines are influenced by an ethnocentric bias towards certain demographics. Often – but not always – these demographics include those who are:
- non-disabled and neurotypical
- Healthy (mentally and physically)
- Conventionally attractive (by Eurocentric standards)
- Cisgender and/or heterosexual
- Financially and socially supported by family
- Citizens of countries with powerful passports
When you realize that only a tiny fraction of the world fits the “qualifications” needed to achieve The Dream™️, you realize that a million additional ascribed circumstances can influence your trajectory.
You realize that it’s impossible to fit all your needs into a generic pyramid or rigid timeline.
the limit does not exist
Tiny, unrelated events are constantly happening in the background of our lives. It’s these inconspicuous events that determine if our lives take Route A, as opposed to Route D. We cannot fully control whether or not we pick up a virus, if we cross paths with a celebrity, or if our application gets assigned to a recruiter who likes happens to like our resumé. Whether you believe it’s because of God, the universe, or fate – we are powerless to this phenomenon.
Suddenly, time becomes less of a rule and more of a suggestion. Based on the circumstances of your life – whether they were planned or unwanted – you have infinite opportunities to rearrange your pyramid however your needs see fit.
This time last year, things like job security, independence and public esteem were at the top of my needs pyramid. Today, rest, fulfilling relationships and self esteem take the top spots, and I am unapologetic about my zealous commitment to them.
Some of my life’s tiny, unrelated events – like my genetics, diagnosis, and subsequent disability – shook my pyramid so much, that it had no choice but to topple over. In the rubble, I was given a chance to rearrange the pieces and rebuild my hierarchy of needs with a new blueprint.
Accepting that opportunity to reassess my goals led me to develop the confidence, resolve and faith that I possess today.
a nuh if, a when
It can be unnerving to accept that even though you’re the driver of your car, you can’t determine where you exit the highway. (I hope this metaphor makes sense – as we established earlier, I do not have a driver’s license.)
This journey can feel disappointing, pointless, or even scary at times. However, think about it: imagine your favorite memories of the past month, year or decade. Picture the videos you took, the meals you savored, and the jokes you shared.
Then, notice the little bubble of joy bouncing around your heart as you recall such fond times. Did everything about those moments go according to plan?
Do you now realize, reader, that the scary, pointless parts of the road have led you to this very moment?
I reflect on the fact if I wasn’t homebound after surgery, I wouldn’t have got the chance to hug my nephew before his first day of Pre-K.
If I didn’t get rejected for all those editorial jobs I applied to, I probably would have never found the fire that pushed me to start this blog. I think you’re getting the gist now.
Without the delays, you wouldn’t have developed your tenacity to bounce back from disappointment.
Without the losses, you wouldn’t have learned how to pivot, slow down and enjoy the in-between moments that’ll become future bubbles of joy.
There are things I am hungry to do, people I’m anxious to meet, and places I’m excited to see. Though I don’t know when they’ll happen, I have no doubt that they ultimately will happen. I believe so deeply in these dreams that I release them of rigidity.
In moments of doubt, I remind myself that the things that matter most to me are deserving of my unconditional trust. You know how dem seh when you love something, you mus let it go? I love my ambitions enough to release control, and embrace faith. A nuh if, a when.
Take the time, reader, to honor your pace and needs as they are today.
There is no timeline – unless you want one.
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